A Night In The Life
by Robyn the Perpetually 15
Summary: Being a vampire is actually pretty boring, especially when you can't kill anyone. Just some irreverance I whipped up. Sometime in 5th season, vague Spuffy.


The Diary of

SPIKE

Master Vampire and Maker of a Damn Good Soufflé.

(Not that I cook much, I'm just saying.)

2:00 PM.

Woke up to watch _Passions. _Not much to say.

3:28.

Dawn came by looking for info on the Boxer Rebellion. Told her I wanted to sleep. Gave me the puppy dog eyes. Gave her the piece of chocolate cake I had been saving. Damn puppy dog eyes.

3:34.

Ended up playing Sudden Death Monopoly. Dawn got to the bloody race car before I could. Took the shoe to spite her. Not sure how that works, but oh well.

3:42.

Turns out Sudden Death Monopoly doesn't take long to play. Made fun of Sesame Street instead. Writers were undoubtably high.

4:47.

Buffy came by looking for Dawn. Suddenly realized my tongue had caramelized and was seeking a vacation in my stomach. Object of affections did not notice because she was too busy being a bitch. God I love her.

4:54.

Staring at wall. Not terribly interesting.

5:23.

Out of blood. Am going to butcher's.

5:27.

Saw Buffy on way to butcher's. Decided to stalk her.

5:41.

Buffy noticed me as I was hiding behind the rhododendrons. Threw a rock at my head. She loves me, just won't admit it.

5:42.

Dammit, left the bloody cigarette by the rhododendrons. That was my last one.

6:01.

Saw Buffy again while at 7-11 buying more cigarettes. Hid behind the magazine rack until she left, as she was carrying a pretty hefty jug of milk.

Beginning to think she is stalking me.

6:12.

The rhododendrons I was hiding behind are on fire. Huh.

What kind of a word is rhododendron, anyway?

6:26.

Ran into a Shikarl demon on the way back to the crypt. Tried to pick a fight, but the bugger just ran off shrieking. Bastard.

6:30.

Note to self: blood does not taste good in Diet Coke.

Since when did I have Diet Coke?

6:34.

Oh yeah, got some so Buffy could have something to drink if she ever came over. Birds like her always drink diet pop. Don't know why she stormed out, then, even after I went to the trouble of stealing it off the back of the truck.

6:50.

Staring at other wall now. Think I like the other one better.

7:15.

Stepped on Queen CD and broke it. Oh well, it was Xander's. Serves him right for being such a nancy boy.

7:43.

Buffy on patrol. Attempt to join her successful. Ass-stareage underway.

8:27.

Killed a vamp who I think used to work at Wal-Mart. Good riddance, guy was a bastard.

8:49.

Found some imps who were trying to bring back some apocalypse demon. Killing them was too easy for it to be fun.

8:54.

Saved Buffy's ass from aforementioned apocalypse demon. Got yelled at. Stormed back to crypt.

9:45.

Ran out of walls to stare at. Crypt boring. Going back out to pick a fight.

9:49.

Apocalypse demon still running about. Whole gang's there now. Witches casting some sort of spell, Xander being useless as usual, Anya yelling something. Giles not to be seen. Decided not to help just to spite Buffy.

10:03.

Still bored. Went to go play kitten poker.

10:45.

Found out from Clem that the Shikarl demon who ran away from me has an irrational fear of Billy Idol. Damn that wanker for stealing my image.

11:30.

Watching a bad B-movie on TV. Bloody hilarious.

12:14 AM.

People's arms do not bend like that, nor is blood that runny. Maybe they should have gotten a vampire on the production crew.

1:35.

Getting the munchies. Mysteriously, Chee-toes do not satisfy.

2:12.

Note to self: Taco Bell workers easily frightened at two in the morning. Good fun, plus free food.

2:14.

Crap. Note to self: watch out for 2 AM shift manager, has a mean left hook.

2:45.

Quick trip to the Magic Box. They should organize their basement better, took me half an hour just to find some bloody mandrake root.

3:06.

Decided to get absolutely pissed. Bad American beer detrimental, but shall press on.

4:48.

You know what's a funny word? Pants. Note to self: spraypaint the word "pants" on Xander's car. Should be amusing.

7:24.

Came to with splitting headache and the word "pants" written all over my body. That Fyarl demon has it coming to him. But first, a nap.

9:38.

Thunderstorm. Would go out to stalk Buffy and/or annoy Xander, but am too bloody tired. Back to sleep.


End file.
